06.28.07
Getting Back on the Wagon (then hijacking it at sock-point)
“You can’t buy true love with money. But you sure can buy high-quality fake love with it.” – Dave Barry
I would like to point out that Dave Barry is a genius. I also must point out that most of my humor style is derived from his work. Please don’t sue me, Mr. Barry. Collections of his syndicated newspaper column can be found at your local library, and if you enjoy laughing at all, read them. Now.
Today I learned that you cannot judge the quality of a tipper by their cover. By this I mean, no matter how rude or scary a customer is-even if they are physically sprouting horns from their forehead and trails of sulfurous smoke leak from their nostrils-there is the same chance of them giving you that coveted 20% tip as the saintly old lady across the dining hall.
Tonight I took a large table led by a glaring, snobbish wannabe aristocrat. His very presence at the table made me screw up mildly several times, including but not limited to serving chicken instead of fish, breaking a cork in a bottle of wine, and flirting shamelessly with his wife. Ha! That was a joke at the end there. I NEVER break corks. However, when I retrieved the bill at the end of their meal, it was a shiny 20% tip. Go figure.
Contrast this to the kindly old ladies who frequently come to dine, laugh at my little jokes, call me hansom, then forget that America actually did make it through the Great Depression and tip me 4%. The only depression was the one in my head, created by banging it repeatedly against solid wall-like objects after I saw their tip.
Moving on.
I would like to know who is reading this blog, and in the likely event that you have your own that updates regularly, what is it’s address so I can add it to my list? I promise to reply to your posts if you reply to mine. Pretty please?
And a note to anyone who is not a real-life friend: your comments are quite welcome, and I appreciate you reading my rants. That said, please be kind and civil in all that you write here. Arguments and rebuttals are encouraged. Flaming is not. Especially if it is against one of my readers who happens to be a real-life friend. I WILL have the last word if it comes to that.
Final thought: now that I’m done playing World of Warcraft, what game should I take up? Suggestions? I am quite aware the Halo 3 comes out in November. I hope you are all aware that I intend to dominate all. Resistance is futile. Nothing shall prevail against my terrible SMG fury.
Except Elizabeth…she tends to prevail over everything I’ve got. Except when she’s folding socks.
I certainly don’t mind.
Elliot Swan said,
June 28, 2007 at 11:02 pm
Kindly old ladies call you “a low-hung, two-wheeled, covered vehicle drawn by one horse, for two passengers, with the driver being mounted on an elevated seat behind and the reins running over the roof”? Interesting…
How about real life?
jediwannabe said,
June 28, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Ok, fine, you get points for the spelling error. I’ve been at work all day and in my exhaustion, I missed one. I don’t know why I bother telling you this, person-who-has-not-worked-a-real-job-for-a-day-in-his-life. But for your amusement, I’ll leave it in there.
Second, you speak of real life. I’m not sure what this thing is of which you speak. I have a sneaking suspicion you are clueless on the subject as well. I’m not even going to whip out the ‘which one of us has a girlfriend’ card or the ‘who here has a full-time job’ card. Just because I like you.
Ha, I jest. I’m just too lazy.
Beth Anne said,
June 28, 2007 at 11:25 pm
I read it….in the off chance that you post. And for the record, sock folding does not give me that much angst. I just don’t like doing it.
Anna said,
June 28, 2007 at 11:56 pm
So, why were you flirting shamelessly with this guy’s wife and then bragging about it online where anyone can read about it? I’m going to tell your girlfriend on you!
jediwannabe said,
June 29, 2007 at 12:06 am
Crap, I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t have put that in there. Gotta remember these things sooner!
Anne said,
June 29, 2007 at 2:55 pm
I don’t know you but you have an interesting blog (when you post) so I read it! (I think I found you through Elliot’s blog or something…it was a while ago.)
Anne said,
June 29, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Ha, a journalist, I sure bet you can appreciate it!
(And also because I feel like I’ll explode if I don’t!)
I just write for the fun of it.
Thank you, and yes, pink was the intention! Of course, there are other themes for those who do not like pink as much as I!
Hm, 5′6″ for a guy is pretty short…I’m 5′1″ though, so there!
If it’s a coin you’re flipping, I’m heads. Heads always wins.
alwaysbri said,
June 29, 2007 at 3:48 pm
I read it. And then I get that wonderful, satisfied feeling of “Dang, I’ll never get those 4 minutes back.” And yet I still read it…
jediwannabe said,
June 29, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Bri, how is that a satisfied feeling? I think, deep down, you love it and refuse to admit it. That or we need to work on your written sarcasm.
Anne, you win, you are the short one. I always pick heads myself. Go figure.
Anne said,
June 29, 2007 at 10:12 pm
Ha! I’ll flip over the head!
Well, actually I didn’t know about the Extreme Makeover house near us until like, day before yesterday! I wished we could have seen the inside!
That would be sooo funny to sneak in and hide and scare the family!
Beth Anne said,
June 30, 2007 at 10:11 am
I’m going to put foward that Dave Barry has rotted Peter’s brain more than WoW. Anyone agree?
jared said,
June 30, 2007 at 1:35 pm
negative beth, never insult the witty sense of humor that peter has developed through countless hours of siting on his ass and reading comedy stips and playing wow. dont give in peter be strong. remmember if youre wooed youre screwed, apparently from the sounds of it……. your screwed.
Beth Anne said,
June 30, 2007 at 10:34 pm
you’d better believe he’s screwed.
and I wasn’t really trying to insult him; I love Peter’s sense of humor. all’s I’m saying is that after he’s read Dave Barry I get a lot more screwy comments than when he’s played wow.
jediwannabe said,
June 30, 2007 at 11:15 pm
Alas, Jared, I am very screwed. And you know what, it feels great (for those of you who get the innuendo, don’t say a word). But never fear, I can do a fair share of wooing myself. Just ask her about my poetry. Or my foot massages. Or me in her spandex shirt.
Ok, maybe not so much wooing on that last one.
jared said,
July 1, 2007 at 12:11 pm
i know id be wooed by you in the spandex shirt
Beth Anne said,
July 7, 2007 at 9:50 am
spandex…..*shudder*….I will never rid that image from my brain….
jared said,
July 7, 2007 at 11:14 pm
never will i rid that image of my brain as well, although in my case it is by choice. spandex pants would be even better show off what everybody came for………. “The Big Licata”. Maybe even add a little dance to “its raining men to top it off. although most people would claim that peter would never be caught dead listening to anything softer than maybe “nothing else matters” the 1992 hit by metallica, however, as peters proud and noble ex-roommate i know the truth, and have seen the its raining men dance, while half naked and in bed i might add. Oh the things i know that most of you dont want to know about, and none of you will…. as long as peter continually pays me macdonalds lunches and crispy creams for his drives to the dentist,
until next time,
stay classy san diego