July 11, 2006
It’s the End of the World, Calvin
I’ve heard people say that when something bad happened, they died inside. I always assumed they were speaking metaphorically. I now know I was wrong. I came by this revelation through most unpleasant means. I was innocently sitting at my computer monitor-hooked up to my Xbox 360 at the time-waiting for the disc I had inserted to whir to life, when *gzzt* the screen freezes. Worrying that my computer monitor had gone to that great recycle bin in the sky, I fiddled with it for a few moments, then gave up and plugged my 360 into the normal TV.
It was then that I realized that the Xbox was still not starting up. Not to mention the flashing, malicious red warning lights where there used to be happy green lights blinking on my console. My stomach started doing some practice back-flips and then dove straight into my toes. Restarting, replugging, redusting everything availed me nothing. I died inside. I mean, my heart stopped, my blood stood still in my veins, and my lungs forgot what they were supposed to be doing. My life flashed before my eyes, but it was pretty boring, so I slapped my internal organs back into gear and got moving.
I rushed online to find some answers, and quickly discovered that the blinking lights would indicate what ailed my Xbox. Two red lights mean over heating, one red light means bad connection, three red lights mean hardware problem. I’ll give you all one guess what it was. If you said three red lights and a toasted mother board, then you were right. If you said there were stinky demon squirrels in there, remind me to point the nice men with the white jackets in your direction.
So I called up tech support a few days later. I waited a few days because I don’t like bad news, and since I was calling microsoft tech support…well, I wasn’t terribly hopeful. Yet lo and behold, I was wrong again. The dude at Microsoft got the Xbox’s serial number and my address, and told me that they would be shipping me a box to put my defunct 360 into and send it back to them. They would either fix it or send me a new one. Spiffy. I was impressed.
Now I sit here and wait for that box to arrive, that I might be reunited with the joys that can only be found in next-gen gaming. Sometimes I cry at night, but usually snuggling with a wireless controller will help me get back to sleep. Being a gamer is an emotionally charged profession, filled with intense feelings of love, hate, and despair. But the whir of my Xbox as it sings me to sleep at night makes it all so worth it.
June 20, 2006
Hello my fellow geeks!
I am assuming if you are reading my video game rants, then you are, like myself, a pround and glorious geek. Others can mock us and throw insults haphazardly, like a Grunt chucking plasma grenades, but we know the truth. Soon we will rule the world, and all those who still don't comprehend the beauty of JavaScript shall fall beneath us. Until that glorious day, however, we must bide our time, plotting away in our blogs.
As a service to my fellow geeks, I have brought uppon myself the responsibility to play and review as many video games as humanly possible on a limited budget. Sure you could go to Gamespot or some other professinal gaming site, but why settle for objective, unbiased reviews when you could have me? I am biased, I have opinions, and I know the difference between a 'good' game and a 'really good' game. For example, Perfect Dark Zero is a good game. It has (or had) desent graphics, solid sound effects, and lots of weapons. Sadly, we've played it all before; it just looks prettier this time around. Crash Bandicoot Team Racing, on the other hand, is a really good game. It's old, it's simple, and it's pointless. Yet I haven't laughed so hard in sheer delight since Bill Gates got pied in the face.
All that to say, I hope to bring you who are foolish enough to venture into my realm true game reviews, from the perspective of a gamer, instead of some jaded, calloused wage-slave who bangs out 'opinions' for a living.
Now if I only could find a game to review…hmmm.
Crazed Jedi Wannabe 